the thousand sordid images

omgomg it's 5 a.m.

2009-02-13T10:09:29Z

and i am awake. you know why?
because my isp is due tomorrow (2 weeks late) and i still haven't finished. my eyes are tired and i can hardly think in english let alone french but fuck it! i'm gonna finish this bitch tonight. no sleep till done-land. unfortunately, i have to get up early anyways because i don't have scissors and i can't wake tate up now to ask to use his scissors. that fucker.
i find it really offensive that he keeps making these stupid judgments without any fucking ground to them at all. the one the other day was just stupid but the one today pissed me the fuck off. i am not some lazy cow who makes my boyfriend do whatever i say (oh the fucking irony); i can ask for something without being a bossy bitch or without preston being whipped because i spend so much of my time being serviant. fuck you fuck you fuck you tate.
sucks that preston wants me to be positive but i can't because it's not fair when someone acts like a dickhole and i have to put on a smile for the sake of not making things worse.

MOTHER FUCKING CUNTBOOZLER

2009-02-05T04:19:49Z

i have never been so physically uncomfortable in my whole life. i am fucking miserable right now.
i really don't want to have to seek medical attention for this.
THIS FUCKING SUCKSSSSS

i am home!

2009-01-31T19:06:38Z

and body art wall is happening soon! i want to be a bird just so i can wear some of these sick thingies.
everyone in my room got so drunk last night but i felt great. muahaha i hate alcohol and love face masks.
valentine's day is coming up and i don't know what that means. i think i will turn it into another excuse to bake things. yes. that is what it will mean for certain. i will ask my mommy to bring me strawberries from home when she comes and i want to pick them! i am going to see if they have fields here. bye.

francy pants or a state of great enlightenment

2009-01-06T21:35:49Z

it is very cold outside but pleasantly so. i like walking around for a long time and not feeling even mildly sweaty. however, my nose started getting super leaky today and when i was in the metro the two old women sitting across from me kept looking at me disgustedly with my 500-times-a-minute sniffling. it was pretty gross.
i got lots of books. i have been spending all my money on books. i like them a lot. i think i have a vague idea of what i want to write my thesis on now. it will include schatzy which is great because i don't like miriam wallace that much at all.
i have been learning a lot about my family while i've been here. ninette is the oldest of my aunts and uncles and because of certain peculiarities of my family she has given me lots of information about the whole family. apparently she lived in a tent for several years in paris with my grandparents because well they were homeless. and i'm profiling 2 poor neighborhoods here, one of which she currently lives in and the other is the one in which my whole family apparently grew up. she told me she doesn't like zola because she experienced enough of her own misère in la goutte d'or.
i decided to take pictures tomorrow of the homeless people in various metro stations that are keeping out of the cold. i have to plot a map of my trip now. bye

buy u a tank

2008-12-10T04:25:06Z

i have been sitting in the exact same spot for almost 3 days (except to use the restroom and sleep) and i've been wearing the same pyjamas the whole time.
+pulling out more hair than in a long long time
+finding ways not to feel worse
+a total lack of hygiene
=
oh come on you already know.

(i stepped on the scale when i was home last week after 5 months of no scales. bad call.)

bloody_murderer @ 2008-12-01T09:05:00

2008-12-01T14:05:50Z

YOU ARE SO FUCKING ANNOYING!

jsdlkweicm,dfl

2008-11-03T00:16:07Z

12/21-1/27
yippeeeeee
i need to save as much money as i can for january sales.

i'm so annoyed and angry. i hate being a girl. sometimes i really want to hang out with a girl because i am very tired of always being told that i have no point and if i did it would be incorrect. fuck you fuck you fuck you
this is in english and you can suck my dick.

go read my first dovecot because it's the best short story i've ever read.

2008-10-28T20:41:36Z

je crois que j'aille en france pendant ISP!! je veux faire un projet qui melangera la literature, la photographie et la theorie en analysant les fonctions de location.
en plus, je suis pret a finir mon application pour un internship avec le washington post pour l'ete prochain. je vais faire un autre aussi pour NPR, comme je ne veux pas etre accrocher a un travail qui sera mort dans le futur.
et finalement, j'ai seulement trois choses a faire pour finir mon AOC.
1. semestre de la poesie
2. semestre de la lit. avant le 18e siecle
et un course de la lit. francaise chaque semestre. et voila.

la derniere chose....
j'ai vu des photos de moi du dernier weekend, et c'est vraiment incroyable le difference que font 3 kilos. je me sens enorme et c'est ennervant que ne je peux pas arreter d'en penser, mais j'ai recommencer a dormir avec mes habilles parce que je ne veux pas que mon ventre soit touche ou mon corps vu.
je n'ai pas assez de temps pour aller a la gym. j'essaye d'y aller mais franchement, je suis trop fatiguee. je vais essayer ce soir. on verra.

do the young stay pretty do the pretty stay quick?

2008-10-09T05:21:26Z

i've been having so many ugly daysssss in a row oooo weeee!
i know it's so sexist but i have always understood that women's desire is to be objects of desire. i have such clearly defined goals of being such that it's ridiculous.
so jocelyn is a bitch because a. i'm the only mother fucker that has to do 2 presentations in one week and b. i have to do my question essays on the whole play, not just half like every other mother fucker out there. i feel like my evals this semester won't be that good because of how overloaded with work i am. i catch stupid typos in my papers after i've turned them in because i haven't had enough time to proofread.
i'm currently writing this as a reprieve from my fem theory paper on fight club. that's right, fight club. my paper has nothing to do with women. blurg.

DNW

2008-07-19T17:28:51Z

to be 20, to see my family tomorrow, and to acknowledge that you don't even care to see me this weekend.
i want to make a pencil disappear with you.

almost done yay!

2008-06-29T16:30:53Z

so i'm almost done here. i just have to finish up this 12 page paper (i'm on page 7 and i haven't even gotten to the super juice of it) and do my creative project. though that's going to be difficult because my fucking professor hasn't posted the assignment and it's due thursday, by which time i have to :
finish this paper/edit it
read 2 books
do 2 more homework research thingies
and on wednesday evening we have a watertaxi tour of eliasson's waterfall installations on the east river. i mean, i'm excited as shit about that but it also cuts into my time to work on a project that i'm unclear on. i know it has something to do with coney island, so i went yesterday and took four billion pictures. i got some pretty good shots and there was a lot of interesting stuff that fit perfectly in my viewfinder and seemed to be posed for me to take it. wonderful. some guy there with a hugeeee professional digital camera with an amazing macro lens told me i had a good eye. we talked about photography for a little bit.

oh after i get home i'm going to work on trying to get my BAM final published. dr. smith told me he'll mail it to me with comments and over email we're going to work on getting it ready and finding a place to publish it. i'm really hopeful.

30 days

2008-06-04T17:04:04Z

left in the city. i'm really glad that preston is visiting me because i have been spending such long periods of time without any face-to-face human interaction that i thought i was going to go crazy. so i just started frequenting the gym instead of wishing i had friends.
i wrote my frist paper for a grade (gasp!) and i'm terrified. i'm so scared.
but i mean how could someone with Marilee’s work for this course was superb. All aspects of her performance in the course reflected exemplary preparation and a mature, sophisticated intellectual engagement. Marilee was not talkative in class, but she was a regular contributor to class discussions. Her questions and comments were consistently astute and pertinent. Her manner is intense and serious, and she reads and listens with a sharply critical perceptiveness.

These same qualities were apparent in Marilee’s writing, both the journals and the final paper. Marilee’s journals appropriately capture the informal spirit of journals as a genre. Yet she maintains this informality without sacrificing her intellectual seriousness. Her entries are concise but not truncated. They are both opinionated and inquiring. She is an inquisitive reader who raises cogent and interesting questions but is not shy about making strong judgments. All in all, her journal entries are full of smart and sometimes startling observations. Her journals for the course are about as good as one could hope to encounter.

Her final paper for the course is on the genre knows as “Blaxploitation Movies.” This genre was mentioned in the class but not given any sustained attention. Though she had only minimal prior knowledge of the genre, she chose the topic, knowing that it would pose serious challenges. Most obviously, the New College library did not own any of the films that she needed. The instructor addressed this challenge by purchasing the films on her list and then lending them to her. Marilee was careful not to over-extend herself by trying to address too many of the films or too many of the issues. She wisely focused on three of the films—classics of the genre, to describe them generously. Surprisingly, Marilee approached the films from the perspective of Lacanian theory, which she presented in a deft, lucid, and unaffected manner. Her reading of these films is original and persuasive, and it dovetails with some of the best feminist critiques of black cultural nationalism. Wahneema Lubiano’s work comes to mind.

Marilee is careful not to make larger claims for her critique than her evidence will support, but her comments have a broad pertinence for the Black Arts Movement. This essay could easily be the foundation for a strong senior thesis. With revision and elaboration, it could also become an article that could be published in a scholarly journal. By any measure, it is a very impressive paper for an undergraduate course.

Marilee Pray is a remarkable student, and working with her has been a memorable pleasure. evaluation do any wrong?
yo seriously though, i don't even know how to accept that. it's just too good.

wiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

2008-05-20T13:58:33Z

i just want to go home already and play wii!
exam in 40 minutes, then three essays and i'm free! for five days. actually, as soon as i get back i have to start reading for my summer classes because one of my classes is intenseeeeeee. but i'm excited because part of our assignments include:
going to the MOMA
going to cony island
walking across the brooklyn bridge
taking pictures on a disposable camera
they also include a paper every week for the first 3 weeks. i don't even know my assignments for my second class.

preston's mom visited this weekend and she said that she and preston would miss me too much while i'm gone, so they're coming to visit me in NY for a 3- or 4-day weekend. i'm so relieved because a six-week block of not seeing that kid would be upsetting.
my black arts movement professor wants to hang out with me. i know he just likes talking about shit and he's probably got no friends in FL since he's visiting, but i'm still a little weirded out. just because i call my professors by their first names doesn't mean i'm comfortable with hanging out with them.
i don't wanna take a test right now bslkdfjlkjsdflkj alksjfiwe. i'm so tired of writing essays.

poststructuralist girls and old fashioned men

2008-05-02T12:42:13Z

so i got my first mean honesty box thing! actually, my first one at all hah.
"you're pretentious as fuck, and really nasty."
i'm looking for clarification on "nasty."
i swear it doesn't bother me. i'm trying to use this for self-discovery (with some outside help) and improvement. but then i start to wonder who said this? since i talk to three people outside of class and don't talk a huge amount in class, i have no idea.
but then i thought, "wait just a god damned second." i'm at new college. everyone here has such a superiority complex.
whatever. i probably am pretentious. i'm a fucking lit student.

ain't no party like my gramma's tea party heeey hoooo

2008-04-03T15:55:19Z

1. I can't respect anyone who goes to a christian college. they just fucking annoy me.
2. i am in fact going to columbia u this summer yay! i am taking:
modern american texts: ordinary and extraordinary spaces and
contemporary texts: short stories from world fiction
classes start may 27, which means i have to get to NY probably the 25, and exam week here is 19-23. so i will be home for about seven minutes. and i'm really glad because this way i don't have to worry about not seeing my friends because they're shitty.

is it safe?

now there's a bubble of me

2008-03-28T07:47:33Z

i should not have stepped on that scale.

a sort of nausea in the hands

2008-02-09T20:22:30Z

things are getting pretty rough.
i constantly feel terribly lonely. there is a tension of wanting interpersonal connections, but at the same time understanding that they inevitably lead to disappointment. i've grown to hate almost everyone i see and most people i don't see. sometimes i wish i were deaf and blind so that i wouldn't have to face them and everything they say.
apparently all of this is visible on my face.

les adultes ont aboli l'espace du réel

2008-01-29T23:22:36Z

i never understood the skull in the ambassadors until just now.

how does it taste to be swinging away for the night?

2008-01-21T02:36:40Z

i have not listened to a lot of music the past couple of days. i have eaten too much lentil burgers.

these are two possible reasons for why i am very sad lately, but i am not sure that they explain it very comprehensively.

that's the one who followed the child to save the sun

2007-12-25T06:14:47Z

and my blood pressure is so low the machine cannot detect it.

random spirit lover is sosososososososososososososososo beautiful.

i like sparkles and the rhymenoceros. i really really like the rhymenoceros. i am going to paint him a picture tomorrow and give it to him for christmas. and i'm going to make some more pictures for christmas, maybe some painted with my fingers. i want to do it now but i keep hearing dogs screaming from across the lake and it's scaring the hell out of me.
and that's not the only thing.

emilee is taking after me in more ways than i'd like. i thought it was weird that even while i was away she started picking up my habits. she doesn't ever want to leave the house. she went to her friend's the other day and in the car on the way there she had a panic attack. she said her chest hurt and she couldn't breathe. she won't even go ice skating or rock climbing. she's only 9. what the fuck is wrong with everything that the outside world is too stressful for a 9 year old.

you wish that you were worse than you are

2007-11-24T04:39:07Z

you're not pained or depressed, you're just bored.

the mountains better come quick because i can't take this people stuff much more. they're all just so damned frustratingly pathetic.

so when you eat me, mother and baby, oh baby mother me before you eat me

2007-11-09T04:19:04Z

i still really want the new sunset rubdown. so so much. i gotta get on that.

i have been very sad lately.
i've been having pretty frequent partial seizures and last night i dreamt i was seizing and it felt very real. i woke up immediately after my dream seizure and felt really confused and was just thankful i hadn't wet the bed. i almost collapsed in the goodwill today. so i started taking my medication again, but it makes me feel so disoriented and wobbly and i can't think straight.
i'm just really worried that i'll have a seizure while driving or that i'm going to have a stillborn child because apparently that happens a lot more frequently with people of my sort. i'm tired of getting horrible headaches and feeling ashamed of my body's weakness and crying in the backseat because i can't pull my freezing toes apart while the inside of my head is freezing too.

i'm pretty glad no one reads this because they'd see how pathetic i am.

it's time for the french to come into magical realism

2007-09-08T00:59:19Z

jocelyn van tuyl is going to ruin my semester.

today there was an empty turtle shell outside our room with nothing but a spine attached to the dried-out exterior. at least the little guy had backbone.

yemen, i'm shifty.

2007-07-28T15:21:59Z

i have been feeling really bad lately about people who used to be my friends not even caring to see me at all anymore.
i left central florida and everyone here forgot about me.

i can't tell apart what i'm eating from my hand or my wrist

2007-06-17T18:56:44Z

i really like peter, bjorn & john.
i hate fish.
i love israel.
i am not confused but i'm telling myself i am so i don't feel bad about not feeling bad.
i hate livejournal. i think this is my last entry ever. probably. yeah, i'm gonna go with that. i like real journals.